I attended a performance of The Phantom of the Opera over the Christmas holidays and was struck with the image of the Phantom and his mask. As I watched, I caught myself thinking, “Am I wearing a mask? How many other people are doing the same?”

Is there a part of yourself, your behavior, your persona, the way you interact with others that you use as a mask to conceal the real you? Granted, there are times that keeping things to ourselves is best to remain socially acceptable, corporately astute, socially mobile, and engaging just as there are times to be open (and revealing),. Here are some of my thoughts on distinguishing when we should put aside the mask (or our public persona):

• When something or someone truly matters

• When a relationship matters

• During collaborative and/or serious business planning

• In a mentoring environment

• In counseling 🙂 . . . however that is defined and engaged

• In the development of “Marble Jar”

Note: The “marble jar” is something I learned from reading Brené Brown’s work. Marble jar friends are great, intimate friends we trust, share our secrets with, and really care about each other without judgment.

 

And of course, there are those times you do not want your “thought bubble” to be visible to others at least not until you’ve had a chance (a “5-minute pause,” perhaps) to properly formulate your thoughts before they are laid bare.

Fitting in Versus Belonging Isn’t it true that life calls on us to be true to ourselves and not try too hard to “fit in” but, rather, belong? I used to think these were the same—however, I’ve discovered there is absolutely a difference, and based on the situation they both may be appropriate!

 

 

“Fitting in” or “belonging” is, in part, analogous to whether or not you wear or remove your mask.

Have you ever found yourself masking who you really are in order to fit in with others? Do you suppose this has ever caused others to wonder who you really are, what you stand for, what guides your soul?

Conversely, in my opinion, to “belong” is to be accepted for who we are: People know us and feel that we are true and real, it is apparent to others what our guiding light is, what we believe and maybe more importantly what we do not believe. There is meaningfulness in conversations that include transparency as to your beliefs, that helps define who you are. I realize it is not critical to agree with everyone on everything. In fact, it’s healthy to have your own thoughts and beliefs as long as you can embrace the “art of disagreement” (something I wrote about in a previous Rambling) and disagree appropriately (what may be appropriate in one setting may not be in another).

The lesson for me, coming out of seeing The Phantom of the Opera, and reflecting on the types of masks we may wear, is centered around being ourselves and comfortable in accepting who we are. In fact, I have come to realize that knowing and accepting who we are is more fun, more meaningful, and more critical to building strong relationships than any mask we can wear.

Embrace the Hygge Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to take this Rambling in a different direction. Do you know what hygge is? According to Wikipedia, it’s “the Scandinavian word for a mood of coziness and comfortable conviviality with feelings of wellness and contentment.” It’s an approach to the cold and bleak long winter days (not necessarily limited to winter). Originated by the Danish, it’s pronounced “hoo-guh.” Hygge is a quality of coziness, comfort, warmth, and well-being, not just with others but with yourself. It’s nurturing joy (not just happiness!). Think of it as spending a snowy evening snugly nestled in an overstuffed lounger chair, by a flickering fireplace, wearing Nordic (ethnicity not required) slipper socks, wrapped in a fluffy fleece-lined blanket, with a nice glass of wine, a really good book, your favorite music playing softly and/or with that someone special having a great fun, flirty, meaningful, and honest conversation.

As we start a new year, make 2018 wonderful and meaningful! Try to make it a point to find time for hygge and removing the mask!

As I prepare for a morning talk for a west suburb Rotary, I landed on a Rambling posted back in December, 2016. As I read, it struck me that this Rambling was worthy of reposting……….

December 20th, 2016 –  This is one of my more transparent, personal, vulnerable and honest Ramblings. There is a core message around transparency in this Rambling that I hope will trigger reflection in the event that any of this applies to you, my reader.  

As with most of my Ramblings, this Rambling came about as a result of the newfound enjoyment I have in reading and learning about a variety of subjects. I’ve also become more observant about what is going on around me. Recently, I ran across an article on the different types of conflict and how they can show up in our professional and personal relationships. Whatever differences may exist among the various stresses of life, there is one popular theory that the human body reacts similarly to all stresses by igniting either a “fight or flight response” in an effort to maintain an internal balance. (For those who have followed previous Ramblings, the two different EKGs that I used to have as discussed in the “This could save your life” Rambling is reflective of this theory.)

In the past, for me at least, the fight response would have revealed itself as a snarky (a little strong, but the adjective I will use today) defensiveness and the flight response would have involved ignoring the realities of a situation by retreating into a shell and hiding with shame and guilt. I used to do both depending upon the situation. I could totally internalize something, react in an aloof or guarded manner, or even try to avoid something altogether (a mechanism of the flight response). I have discovered that in fight mode, my past “snarky” or defensive comments caused those closest to me to feel that they needed to “walk on egg shells” if they encountered this response.

Both of these reactions shielded me from meaningful communication and created internal stress, something that is destructive to a meaningful and healthy relationship. I have now come to discover how freeing and wonderful it is in being honest with myself and those around me.

Chasing meaning As a recovering Norwegian, I have discovered that chasing meaning is better for your health and relationships than trying to avoid discomfort. Perhaps there are others out there who can relate to this. (You do not need to be Norwegian to experience this, however in my case, I will place responsibility on my heritage and to a lesser degree my family of origin.)

Recently, while at my ongoing Monday morning men’s group, I was reminded of something that I have learned in the past year: It’s about a trait (a behavior) that I never really understood or practiced to the level that was needed. It is rather shocking to me to accept that I thought I knew this, but never properly refined the skill, or practiced as I do now. This past behavior is something that created a quiet, subtle barrier, an armor, so to speak and tension in meaningful relationships. Here’s what I’ve come to understand:

It is not all about ME or what someone does! The key to meaningful relationships is to really get to know the other person, to really get to know yourself, and to have serious communication (dramatically different than conversations) as to the strengths, traits, habits, needs, support, dreams, beliefs, failures, struggles and values that are critical to yourself and those that are important to the other person. The ability to ask questions and then truly listen to others is a critical and powerful tool. It helps to remove the focus from oneself and instead place more focused and deliberate attention on the other person. For instance, now I say, “Tell me about you” and then shut up and listen intently without judgment!

To really get to know another person you need to embrace totally non-defensive, collaborative communication that creates an environment of comfort, trust, and openness. This does not mean you always have to agree on everything. Think about how boring it would be if your closest relationships were based on saying “yes” to everything. You would be basing a relationship on something that wasn’t true and honest. I’ve come to understand we should do our absolute best to respect and honor the other person’s opinions, beliefs and input.

Understanding and respecting other perspectives, opinions, and insights expands our emotional bandwidth, strengthens relationships, and builds a broader learning curve. In the long run, it makes our relationships more interesting, healthy, and fun which is quite different than simply agreeing with another’s perspective. Living a full engaged life and developing meaningful relationships (personal and professional) means we must be true to ourselves and to those around us.

Say what you mean and mean what you say This phrase hasn’t always resonated with me. Sure, it sounds nice but in the past I did not fully digest the words and the meaning. I lost the substance of what was being said. However, I have discovered how freeing it is to live this mantra.

It pains me to acknowledge my past behavior and failures as they have cost me so much in my personal life. However, I’m excited about what I’ve learned! Change is possible, yet difficult and takes incredible work and desire. Thank you to all who have helped me in developing this ongoing maturity. (You know who are!)

I remember a dinner I had with a couple whose husband I did not know well. It did not take long for him to talk about their son’s challenges and struggles. There was none of the superficial bragging about “the world’s greatest kid” that we’ve all experienced at some level. Rather, it was a fully candid and open discussion and that child and his dad became real to me. As a result, the evening was more relaxing as we all could talk honestly without judgement as opposed to maintaining the superficial “egg shell” of polite chatter.

I have learned that slowing down and chasing the meaning and substance behind real opinions, conflict, stress, comments or feelings is far better for our physical, emotional, and relationship health than avoidance.

In conclusion, there are some key words that I want to briefly react to as I reflect on what I’ve discovered, It’s been an amazing learning curve!

I have discovered that an attitude and life of service, a life that is humble, a collaborative life of not being perfect, of accepting my weaknesses and flaws and living a life of being true to who I am, not who I am supposed to be all helps in building resilience to stress and maximizing life itself and the relationships around me.

How about you?